I’ve been meaning to write for a while now, but haven’t been properly free ever since the Easter break started. At the moment I’m on a train from Birmingham to London so I thought I’d unleash my brain and let my fingers throw up some thoughts in here. Hold on tight, it’s probably going to be a rough ride
(not my train ride, just you reading this post).
I’ve spent the first week of holidays in Lisbon trying not to think about the masters, freelance life, money, time.. Let’s just say it’s not easy not to think about the uni workload you’re trying to leave behind when you go on holidays and end up spending a lot of the time closed in a cinema watching animation*. Sigh.
This post might feel a bit whiny, which is unfortunately a rather accurate depiction of how I’ve been feeling.. I don’t really know what’s going on, but ever since I finished all my projects to deliver for assessment in February my head hasn’t been in the right place. I think I pushed myself really hard on these first 2 terms and haven’t had this rhythm of life in a long time. The last time I remember feeling this busy and tireless was in 2008. So 9 years passed, and suddenly I’m assuming I should have the same stamina: it’s bonkers. I don’t think I can sustain this pace for such long periods of time. At least not without a proper break – which unfortunately won’t be happening this time.
It’s not like I felt tired before the hand in, and I managed to deliver everything on time(!).. but once I handed in it’s like all my strength left me and I can’t even think of work anymore. And I have so much to do, I can’t really afford to stop.
I’ve finally finished my second lip sync animation yesterday. The idea is to join it together with the rest of the class’s ones. We’ll make a video out of them to hopefully send to festivals. (I can’t show it now because some festivals don’t allow it to be online before they screen it – sorry.) Considering I’m the one organising this project I felt a bit ashamed I was so late with my contribution, this ended up delaying the editing and therefore the finalising of this project.
Lately it feels I’ve bitten more than I could chew. My perfectionist side is pulling me down instead of helping me out. We’re now on our third week of “holidays” and I haven’t started the actual work we need to have done before the beginning of uni. I’m starting to get proper anxious with what needs to be done – which, if I stop to think, I know is utterly irrational. So here goes a list of things I’m involved in + need/wish to do, with the hope that writing down what needs to be done will help me reduce my anxiety:
- 2000 words essay on documentary animation as a social medium which I haven’t even started thinking about and will only be able to start this Friday.
- Storyboard for our first movie (aaah!! so exciting/nerve wrecking! Like the essay mentioned above this isn’t even on an embryo stage)
- Edit our lipsyncs together + credits + subtitles: will happen this Saturday with Helena and Lisa – we’ll hopefully start and finish then, but I’m saying this with a very wishful tone because to be honest I already know we wont be able to finish it all in one day. Oh man..
- Start an Instagram account for our class
- Do some gifs for our insta account (I think we might need to rethink this, and that’s pissing me off so much – I really want to have it all, argh!)
- Email and meet Margaux to talk about my storyboard. She’s working on a great project at the moment and has her hands full. I really wanted to help her out, but I’m starting to think I won’t be able to and that’s making me really sad. I mean what’s the point in having such a great mentor if I can’t get to learn/work with her as much as I can?! Bah L
- I wanted to learn C4D and maybe use some flash to practice during the break but right now this is the first thing to go out the window priority wise.
Realistically speaking I know I’ll be fine, I just need to put my head down and work. But I’m having all these feels and they’re really hard to control. There’s so much I want to do – and do well – that it sometimes feels really overwhelming. Then add to that the pressure of living in London without any kind of financial help and it just deflates me. I wish I wouldn’t need all this freelance work I’ve been doing, but I can’t be here without it. So instead of being in the library, or helping Margaux out, or out and about with my lovely classmates checking galleries, I’m sitting in a train back to London because I got to pay my bills. And I’m not even going to start talking about my inexistent social life, I have a lot of friends probably hating me right now.
I honestly just want to feel less stressed about life in general and be able to keep on my happy-busy-bee mode. But at the moment I’m just staring at this huge mountain of things I need to get done and feeling really exhausted and small.
I’m guessing the trick is not to think too much about the things that feel overwhelming. Hopefully I’ll start getting excited about the projects I need to deliver, but right now everything’s so scary and overwhelming.
So here you go, a very personal moan-y post on what it’s like to be 29 and betting on a career change via education. I’m at a low point right now, where I’m questioning my abilities and thinking I should be doing so much better/more.
Maybe I’m just missing all my girls (and boys!) and the environment we have in our class, we are definitely a great team and we push ourselves to do better.
Anyway, as a positive point, and because I really need to feel more centred, I decided to spend (all) my (extra) money in yoga classes. That at least feels good and hopefully will make me de-stress in the long run. Here’s to hoping I can find the time to maintain a regular practice until the end of school year.
Congratulations if you’ve managed to read all of this. I’ll be back soon! (hopefully so will you!)
*post on Monstra coming soon. I hope!