from insecurities to a buddhist monk

This should be week one of animation for the final project, but things aren’t looking great for me at the moment. And here I am, writing away a whinny post instead of putting my head down and work.

So here goes a big post in the hopes it’ll help me think this project through.
At the moment I have just finished working on my freelance jobs and will be able to focus solely on the film. This is quite scary/daunting because it basically eliminates any excuses I have not to work on the project while also giving me shit loads of anxiety about my tendency to procrastinate hard. At the moment my brain is not in work mode and this needs to change fast.

I am doubting everything, my animatic is not finished yet, and I have no idea where I am going with the story. I feel like I am losing focus on the stuff I wanted to do/include in the film, and now that I’m constantly reminding myself of all the things that are missing I have started to question the whole story structure I have already developed. I am getting insecure and I’m not trusting the quality of the stuff I am doing. This is terribly counterproductive because if I doubt the idea then I can’t really develop it with joy, playfulness and freedom. Add to it being seriously behind and I just feel powerless about it all. Around me, everyone is on track and has started animating and here I am: clueless and frustrated with life – forever insecure about my qualities.

I’m sure I’m being my biggest enemy with all these negative thoughts but at the moment it’s almost like it’s good enough that I have stopped feeling constantly sick about being super delayed. The problem is even without the feeling that I’m about to throw up at any time and without the stomach cramps, work still needs to get done and my brain is simply not cooperating.

I am getting entangled in a negativity spiral and it’s hard to get out, like when someone tells you not to think about pink elephants

To conclude in a more practical way, I am not sure that doing the animatic straight ahead is helping me so I might just try and spend the rest of today storyboarding in post-its.

I want to mention in the film the things that bother me the most at the moment, and I’ve already managed to refer plastic in the oceans and feminism, but I am missing veganism, (anti-)capitalism, and now that I’ve started this ‘journey’ the feeling of never being good enough has returned so I really really want to mention it: never running fast enough, bending enough or having enough strength in yoga, drawing good enough, being appreciated enough at work/what I do.. it’s a monster feeling that freezes me and doesn’t let me do anything right/enjoy the process. I think I need to criticise/ridicule this behaviour in me as a way to (at least try to) set me free from it.

In a very skewed way, I recently watched an episode of chef’s table about Jeong Kwan – a Korean Buddhist monk and she said something that rang very close and true for me.

“Creativity and ego cannot go together. If you free yourself from the comparing and jealous mind, your creativity opens up endlessly. Just as water springs from a fountain, creativity springs from every moment. You must not be your own obstacle.You must not be owned by the environment you are in. You must own the environment, the phenomenal world around you. You must be able to freely move in and out of your mind. This is being free. There is no way you can’t open up your creativity. There is no ego to speak of. That is my belief.”

you can see the episode here

I have also had a meeting with Margaux and when she saw my animatic she mentioned I should have more positive points in regards to my character’s life because otherwise the story might just be interpreted as the depiction of a depressed person’s life. And although I feel she might be right, I’ve started to think that this is not quite the case for me. I live my life with a thousand worries 24/7 and I simply cannot stop my brain from thinking like this – it is a f*cking burden, but I have slowly learnt to grow resilient and live a peacefully-ish life with the constant feeling that the world as we know it is going to end and there is nothing I can do to affect the change I want to see happening. I have learnt to live with my insignificance and this powerlessness feeling, so maybe I need to rethink this thing about happy thoughts/moments of the film. I don’t think that’s what I want to talk about.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *